Sex Life Of A Man Without One #3

Now look. I do not always remember things being this difficult. I once had a sex life and it was quite prodigious. I had girl friends, mistresses, prostitutes and strangers all engaging me in my various fantasies. When I look back on my twenties I am reminded of a passionate commitment to indulge myself as much as possible through the sexual act. I was a young man obsessed with ovaries, estrogen, clitoral crura, vagina, uterus, glans clitoris, labia, vulva, pereneal urethra, hips, rounded jaw, buttocks, thighs, boobies- basically all things female.

But as I have moved into my thirties, something has shifted. It is almost like when you ferment a pickle, its entire biological and physiological structure shifts. It trans mutates into something chemically different than it was before. This is what has happened as I have grown older.

The more I feel as if I have gained control over my sexual whims the less I seem to comprehend the core of my sexuality. This core is beginning to fill with rust and starting to control its subject without asking me first. I feel like a victim of my own repressed sexual drives which are starting to manifest in peculiar ways.

I started sleep walking shortly before I was married. I was found across the street by my neighbors who said that I was ringing their doorbell yelling out for “hot footsies.” I do not know exactly what this means but my psychoanalyst told me it could be related to a repressed fetish that I have for feet. I disagreed with her but then I remembered a time when I was in college and I had a fellow student stick her large toe up my anus. We were drunk and had done everything else “sexual” together. This idea came into my head only because she had a particularly long big toe. It was long enough that she was able to write my name on my chest in fine cursive with a pen and her left foot.

After I was found yelling “hot footsies,” on my neighbors porch- my neighbor and I began avoiding one another. It seemed as if they became afraid of the “strange man across the street.” Then another episode occurred. About a year ago I was pulled over by a police officer at 4 a.m. while sleep driving in the nude. I was violently awoken by the sound of the sirens and the flashing lights. Shock, would be the only word that I could think of that could describe my reaction to finding myself driving my wife’s car in the nude. I immediately stepped on the brakes which caused the police officer to rear end me. I was frantic and tried to explain to him that “I had no idea what I was doing, I have a sleep disorder!!” The officer looked at me as I stood in the early morning suburban street in the nude pleading with him to take me home. The officer was bereft at how to respond to this so he parked my car on the side of the street and drove me back home. The following morning my wife received a phone call from the police department recommending that I receive psychiatric attention and that she hold on to my car keys.

My psychoanalyst was certain that these episodes of what she called noctambulism had something to do with my sex drive which she felt was being locked up behind bars. I needed to find ways to set it free with my wife, or at least with my wife’s permission. So I asked my wife how she would feel if I received a hand-job from a prostitute, got a lap dance at a strip club or had a little tiny affair and the conversation was one of the shortest we had ever had. “If you do sexual things with other women, why can’t you do them with me?” What was I to say to this? I had no answer.

The episodes seem to halt for the past few months. My wife had found me taking a shower dressed in a t-shirt with a picture of Sigmund Freud on the front (this was the t-shirt I felt most comfortable sleeping in). Other than this and a few minor episodes, no great sleep walking ordeals had occurred until last night.

I woke up when I landed on the floor, beside the bed. I noticed that I was again naked (which was strange because I went to be with my Sigmund Freud t-shirt and sweat pants on). My wife was standing above me in her black night gown yelling with a gasping and bitter tone in her voice “what are you thinking, what is it you are thinking!!!” I did not know how to respond because I did not know how I ended up naked on the floor. I looked at the clock which said 3:13 a.m. I recalled glimpses of a dream where a strange middle aged women was showing me her finely trimmed pubic hair and asking me over and over “do you like it?” I was puzzled. Dreams and my wife’s pleas where spinning around in my brain. When I asked her what happened she yelled back in tears, “you were humping me in your sleep!!”
Today my wife and I went to a Somnambular sleep clinic where they treat various sleep disorders. My wife told the Doctor and I that she was awoken by me thrusting my penis in between her thighs. She sleeps on her stomach so I was lying on back of her, humping her in between her thighs. “It was like being molested by a dog,” she told the Doctor. I sat there holding her hand and silently felt the consequences of being a man without a sex life. We left the clinic an hour later with prescription medication and the recommendation that I masturbate every evening before going to sleep.


  1. That is awful. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. But why can’t your wife help you with it? If she is unwilling to let you relieve your sexual tension elsewhere – is she willing to be your sexual partner?

  2. I appreciate your compassion. I believe that my wife is willing to do whatever it may take so that I can be happy. I am certain that my happiness is important to her- unless my happiness involves doing anything sexual with another women. So for the time being what I can do is work on my intimacy issues. I believe that my inability to be sexual with my wife is the result of a fear of intimacy. Even the word sends shivers up my spine.

  3. When you speak of your inability to be sexual with your wife – do you think that the fact that you were humping her in your sleep is a sign that you are ready to be sexual with your wife? That maybe intimacy is not far away?

    I wish you and your wife the best, as I can only imagine how difficult your situation is.

  4. Hmmmm, have you tried roll playing? If you seem to have troubles being intimate with your wife but not other women, maybe have her dress up like someone else. Both parties can be happy and maybe one day you’ll feel more comfortable with your wife that she won’t have to dress up anymore.

    Wishing you both all the best!

  5. Humping in my sleep my be a signal for the beginning of a sex life? I am skeptical but I like the idea!! Thank you for your assistance, wise suggestions are always welcome despite the fact that my beautiful wife told me this morning that she hopes I am keeping all of our “stuff” to myself.

  6. You are welcome. :))
    Sometimes we all need a release and/or outlet, Randall. And blogging is probably going to end up being very therapeutic for you. Through your words, you might be able to obtain a greater understanding of your situation and lead yourself back to intimacy.

  7. Hi, well I had the same problem (well actually still do) with my wife except I am intimate with her. the thing is we don’t have much sex. she always has an excuse and when we do, she only wants me to please her. she used to perform on me before and vise versa and now, its only me the one that pleases her. I don’t mind at all but feel that she’s being kinda selfish.
    Well my problem is that she’s caught me humping her when she’s sleeping! why do I do this? I think its because I feel I deserve a little sex and by her being asleep, she can’t say no. I know its kinda weird but what am I supposed to do! we’ve spoken about our intimacy and all she says is: “I’m not as sexually active anymore.” she’s only 23! she’s tried taking estrogen pills, but nothing. she says I’m a sex freak. I don’t think I am just because I want it atleast 2-3 times a week. but its about 2-3 per month, and when SHE wants it. am supposed to cheat on her? I love her to death but after all the rejections, I’ve thought about it. I don’t know what to do.

  8. Thank you for writing Charles. I don’t know what to do either other than to write and hope. I try not to think about it to much because our thoughts are often mis-leading and self- sabotaging.

    My advice would be to read the entire series of A Sex Life Of A Man Without One (if you have time, they go up to #20). I want to believe that you will feel more hopeful when you get to the end of the series. Marriage is a perpetual challenge that is always challenging us to conform and change at the same time.

    I wish I had a simple answer, a formula, but I do not. It is complex and all we can do is to take care of ourselves- so that we can bring joy and peace to others. This may sound silly- but it is the best formula I have found.

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