If you fall into a black hole you will never return. I remember hearing this. I do not remember where but I remember hearing this. I do not want to believe it.
Around me there is no oxygen. Thinking thoughts is all I have yet it is so difficult. I am able to listen to music in my mind/head, which is a piano concerto by Mozart or Satie. I prefer somnolent sound. It suits my incorpreal state, which seems to be nothing but a gradual but beautiful unfolding in time/space. Myself has been reinvented into a thought. Or should I say, my ego is but a dream. This is all that is left of me. A thought or an ego that believes itself to be residing someplace in the center of the galaxy. I am no longer with physical butt or penis or face – but I see stars dying all around me and I can I attest to the fact that I am not dead.
The genesis of my current condition is peculiar. I remember everything. I finished my job waiting tables and I was walking home some time after midnight. I was feeling very negative from a feeling of dissatisfaction with my job, my life and the peevish middle-aged man who was dissatisfied with my wine pouring capabilities. I suppose frustration mixed with despair would be fair ingredients to describe my mental state. I was aware of an overwhelming smell of carbon in the air. I walked past a home with a sullen woman playing a grand piano in the window. I could hear the subtle cords moving with the candlelight that sat on the mantle. As I walked past the home I looked up into the night sky and noticed a full moon and a mass of glistening stars. It was almost as if I could see the formations of galaxies and hear the pull of planets. I began to feel a bit fluish and light headed as I heard the piano chords change into a static hummm. Suddenly I was filled with a magnetic feeling that…. attracted the center of the galaxy toward me.
Everything went dark. Everything vanished and I was surrounded by what I can only refer to as invisibility. I felt my body begin to fall through a space, which seemed to be the shape of a ring. There was a loud gurgle accompanied with a sensation of weight or matter falling apart. I noticed that my disintegrating body looked like a dark shadow hiding behind a curtain of light. It was then that all gravity and matter was absorbed and I lost all sense of detail and form. I was leaving the territory of gravity where fruit hangs from trees and life is lived on solid ground.
As I passed through time I felt an incredible sense of tranquility. It was the feeling of a soft trace of silk caressing its way around my skin. I was almost bubbling with emancipation from my physical body. I had surrender into the situation without a sense of resistance. It was then that I repeated to myself several times a word I no longer remember.
As I moved through space I could see the entire history of the future universe in a very finite period of time. It was remarkable to see all of time, past and future unfolding before me in what felt like a brief moment or two. I saw everything that has ever occurred in human history within the blink of an eye. I watched a child born, grow old and be buried in a cemetery all in the time it would take to rub away a spot from a glass window. My favorite part was seeing large civilizations grow out from farmland and then collapse as a result of arrogance and the abuse of power.
Now there are only very few objects around me. Stars, space and what looks like an occasional bird. I feel as if I am looking through an open widow at objects that are billions of light years away. Light goes on as far as I can see, a constant succession of echoes and big bangs. I am alone and never tired. In fact I do not believe that I sleep. I know that I dream but I believe that this occurs while I am awake. Somehow matter takes form in my thoughts.
There is some light around me which seems be created by the energy ingesting some sort of matter. I am not certain about this because dust particles obscure the light. At various times the light will fall away and turn into a massive wind. The sound that is created reminds me of the summers that I would spend as a child singing and crying in an empty pipeline. It is a hollow sound that makes me long for a past that I have forever lost. The only evidence of my tears can be traced back to my thoughts.
I may be twelve billion light years away from my home. I become homesick when I am surrounded by the terrible sounds of constant explosions, which create such high temperatures that even sound eventually burns up. Everything around me begins to pulse and shine a bright luminescent light. It is as if I am within the beginning stages of creation. The light is so bright that it is like having a large searchlight shined directly into your eyes. The pulsation throbs like an irregular heartbeat and for a brief moment I can see what looks like a large piece of plasma floating through space.
I do not believe that I fell into a black hole but rather I attracted it to me. The immense amount of negativity that I was carrying home with me that evening caused the entire universe to be attracted to me. The degree of my negative energy attracted an equal external energy. This is the only way I can describe the phenomena. It was a self-induced condition in which my negativity burned away my physical life form. I was not pulled, stretched or forced- but rather walked right into a hole. For a brief second I was standing at the edge of the earth before I was propelled forward through a curve in time. I could see photons and electrons interacting in front of me, causing the light to flicker as my physical body disintegrated into ribosome’s, lysosome’s, mitochondria and nucleus’s set free from the bondage of a cell wall. I was slowly vanishing.
My main light source now is primarily light concentrated right above my head, like a cone, which is shinning directly down upon me. It flickers, goes out and radiates brightly all at a single time. When it grows dark for extended periods of time I experience a longing for home. I crave interaction with the outside world and attempt to dream scenes of escape and entertainment. I recreate my favorite Fellini films, re-living the entire script in my thoughts. I dream of sexual interactions I once had over and over refusing to let the experience end (I have become perverted in my incorporeal form). But it is the simple things I miss most. Walks with my wife, conversations with strangers or lying in bed reading a book. I see my wife’s face and I am overcome with a longing, which is strong enough to create a frantic light in the darkness. It is amazing to me that I can still think and feel; yet I have no physical body. I am only a series of thoughts exploring itself in the eternity of time and space.
In one of my dreams I held a conversation with a professor of Astrophysics. We were sitting on a white couch talking about how I could escape from my nebulous circumstance. The professor had created his own time machine, which could stretch time like a pretzel. He insisted that his machine could manipulate the energy of a star, which could then manipulate the past. “Like say you had the ability to go back in time and shoot your parents before you were born. Or you could go back in time and become a doctor or find work which fills you with joy so you could avoid the negative energy created by your job as waiter, which attracted the black whole towards you to begin with,” he would tell me.
He insisted that he could bend time, which would allow me to be freed from my immaterial condition. “By exploring Einstein’s theories and coming up with solutions to his equations I can free you from your present state. Think about cosmic strings, which have been left over from the big bang. If I can find one cosmic string then I will be able to solve a way to bend this string and allow you to arrive back home before you started.” I shook his hand and did not want to let go until he promised me that he would set me free. I had put on my finest suit for our meeting and was left sitting alone on the white couch waiting for a time, which would never come.
Day upon day I think within this endless cycle of interacting photons and neutrons, which seem to imprint context into my mind. I always find myself thinking about various ways of escape but these thoughts lack the matter to create any tangible device that would reward me my freedom. It is strange. When I was a physical body I always felt restricted by the society that I lived in. I was angered by the constant assaults on my freedom. I protested and rebelled and struggled to remain free. Now I am alone and without form, levitating for an eternity in the wide-open freedom of space and all I can do is think about how I am going to escape. I wait longingly for the professor to appear with his time machine and return me to a world I never was happy living in. I want to go back in time, get in my bed and finish the book that I was reading. I want to kiss my wife good night and learn to be happy with what I had before walking into a black hole.
Copyright © 2007 Randall Sokoloff