I have decided to make a long pilgrimage to Tibet. This week has been a road paved with all kinds of sharp hurtles and treacherous turns. I made the best decisions that I seem to know how to make but still the lines have been blurred. I am baffled by my life and unclear about the directions that I am heading in. I am a married man with little to show for my successes other than a book shelf filled with half read books. My sex life has turned clinically dysfunctional and I see no end in site. The love I have for my wife is greater than all the water in the world, yet my simple ability to make love to her is as remote from my mind as mechanics. Deep down in my bones, I am feeling an immense urge to find a way to get to Tibet.
I don’t know when or where I will get the money to go on this pilgrimage…but fear and worry are not the point of a pilgrimage. A pilgrimage is a coming home to the land of your dreams- and dreams are more real than the plans of our brain, provided they are dreams that mirror the deepest yearnings of our soul, the very center of our being.
I want to travel to the land of turquoise lakes and golden hills under flowering shrubs in an unknown oasis- and sit by a campfire with a little wise man who is the mere image of the Buddha and hear him say to me:
“Thus shall ye think of all this fleeting world:
A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream, a flash of lightening in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp, a phantom a dream.”
I will sit in silent meditation far away from the temptations of sexual activity or the negative influence of the Craig’s List erotic adds. The harmony of my mind will return to me uncontaminated by lust and guilt. For the first time in years I will feel holly because I would have freed myself from the bondage of perversion. No more blonds licking their breasts and offering me their tongues, or brunettes with their legs spread wide open enticing my genitalia to grow so stimulated that I can barely contain my self. I will be a free man!
In my minds eye I have the whole pilgrimage planned out. It is all quite simple and I plan to spend six months away. I will journey from the upper Nyang Valley down to Nyang-to-Kyi-Phug where there is a place called Kyi-phug, “the happy cave.” One can make a reservation to stay in the cave for up to ten years. The cave is sectioned off into various living quarters where meditators spend the entire day and night in meditation. Each cave dwelling is locked from the outside and there is only a small shelf in the bottom of the door where food is slipped in. The food is all high quality vegan food and the rates are decent. For $220 American dollars I can choose to be confined to a cave for a period of six months with two meals a day and a weekly maid.
My wife is terribly unhappy with my decision. She does not understand the strength of purpose that is buried behind my intention. I need to do this. Not only for my own spiritual enlightenment but also for the well being of our marriage and future family. “But what will you do for six months pent up in a cave?” she asked me. I wanted to tell her that I would not be out searching the Tenderloin at 3 a.m. for sexual interactions or spending my day surfing the Craig’s List erotic adds but instead I told her that I would work on becoming a holly man. Not only would I be celibate but I would also be committed to cultivating the highest virtue through the practice Vipassana meditation and renunciation. My health would return and I could create self- confidence, something I have been missing for a long time. As I told my wife all of this she seemed very apprehensive.
I am uncertain exactly when this pilgrimage will commence. I think the summer would be a good time, but I am hesitant because in summer where I live women are scantily dressed and I enjoy watching from the the sidelines as these women make their way around. I know that there is always sacrifice involved in great transformations- but I am rather unwilling to sacrifice my summer. Maybe I will leave in August. This way I can have a partial summer before taking off to become holly. Whatever the case may be I am committed to the process of my enlightenment. It is time for me to turn inward and try to understand the deeper reasons and behaviors behind the sex life of a man without one.