The Fashion Police.

 2cu3.jpg   I have not been leaving the house much lately. Without a job there is little need, and besides I have figured out that each time I step out my front door I will spend at least $10.00. Going out into the world is not cheap….in fact it is downright expensive. So I elect to stay in. I paint, write, meditate and sit around doing less than nothing. I have accomplished Pascal’s maxim which says “If man could be content sitting in a chair, alone- all the ills of human kind could have been avoided.” Perfectly put. Not only am I content sitting alone in a room doing nothing, but I am quite preoccupied. I think about things and go through the film strip which is my life. Part by part.

Just today while I was sitting in a chair in my backyard observing the various kinds of birds that were dangling around in the trees, my wife asked me if I ever had any plans of changing. “What do you mean changing?” I asked. “Your clothes,” she said very directly. “What do I need to change my clothes for?” I asked unaware that I have been wearing the same thing for the past week. “You are starting to stink,” my wife said. “What?” I was shocked. “Yes, you are starting to stink and I am finding it bothersome. I understand that you have no place that you need to be, and I have nothing against you being comfortable…but I am concerned about your hygiene,” my wife said with real concern in her voice. “You think I stink?” I asked again to make sure that what I was hearing was true. “You have been wearing those same droopy brown sweat pants for a week and that t-shirt has been on your body for as long as I can remember. What has happened, you used to be one of the nicer dressed men that I had ever met?” “What happened?” I rhetorically asked. “What happened is that I am comfortable and have no need to change.”

My wife began to squirm in front of me. She looked restless and uncomfortable. Her hands where struggling to remain still. After a moment of silence I asked, “what is it?” She stared at the ground as I continued to look at the birds in the trees. I stuck my hands under my armpits and smelled them. I checked in between my testicles to see what that smelled like. “I’ll make you a deal,” my wife said. “I will buy you dinner at any place you want tonight if you just shower and shave.” I thought about this for a moment. I have not had a lot of loose change the past few weeks and this has meant eating lots of canned foods. A good fresh meal tempted me to appease her even though I felt like she was behaving like the fashion police. “Okay… deal,” I said as my wife shook my hand and bent over and gave me a kiss. “I love you,” she said. As she was walking away I said “Do you know that Pascal said……” She turned around, gave me an awkward look and said, “I don’t want to hear about Pascal….just take a shower, so we can get something to eat.”

5 thoughts on “The Fashion Police.

  1. You are starting to sound like the character in, “The Accidental Tourist”, except he showered more, lol!

    I bet the dinner was worth it!

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