My wife is in bed crying. I can hear her tears running across the hard wood floors.
We fought so hard this evening that I thought the house was going to come down.
I became so infuriated that I threw paintings off the wall.
I killed the sunflowers we bought together yesterday.
She threw violent words at my spirit.
I am a madman whose worries and fears are breaking her down.
My lack of motivation is making her insane.
I worry about my heart.
I worry about ending up a failed artist like my grandfather.
I worry about everything, even the toxins in the paint on the bedroom wall.
She tells me that I am always so negative about the world, the environment, my health, my job, my future, my cat, my home, my art and my wife.
It breaks her heart to see me so sad. She is afraid that I will stop going outside.
That I will stop trying to live my dreams. That I will die.
Her tears are beginning to flood our small apartment. She is wailing in bed.
What in your life or about yourself is no longer serving you and causing your unhappiness? What do you need to let go of?
I keep asking myself this but I do not know the answers.
I am no miracle man.
ABSURdISTRY. 
That rocks. It is the best articulation of this yet. Perfect. Anger into depression segue,
“What in your life or about yourself is no longer serving you and causing your unhappiness? What do you need to let go of?” I think thats a great question to ask yourself everyday. In fact, yesterday while reading your blog, I actually thought of that same question to ask you. I feel you on the motivation side of things. I have little motivation these days. Its funny, I don’t want a job, but I want money to pay rent and buy food. I’m a simple person when it comes to consumption. I don’t need much. Anyways I hope you and your wife can get through this problem together. My girlfriend does the same thing to me about twice a year. She gets really emotional about our future and pushes me to get a “better job”. Its not always about a better job, I think she just wants me to like what I do. I think its good for her to push me sometimes and not let me settle for what I have. But it can be too much at times. Maybe we need to just keep asking ourselves what it is we need to let go of.
Pooh pah new is the new Drew by the way. Drew pooh pah new. My wonderful nick name in high school.
How very… personal a piece. I read it thinking, perhaps I was looking through a window I shouldn’t be near.
It is touching, and understandable in my own way, but I do feel like I was reading something that should otherwise be kept, solemn?
I’m not sure if this is a good thing, or unnerving thing.
I don’t know or care if this is actually a window into your life or if you’re speaking in the voice of a character–personally I think there’s way too much concern about that crap: the James Frey thing or all the debate about real “reality” TV vs. fake “reality” TV, as if there’s any difference.
Either way, there are some incredible lines in there: “I killed the sunflowers we bought together yesterday.” Powerful stuff!
I like your paintings too, by the way–kinda remind me of Joan Miro.
This entire blog is a window into my life. “I leave the curtains open and I care not who looks in,” Caesar said. Life becomes much to constricting and the air much to stuffy when I live with the windows closed.
DrJay I appreciate your comments but I also understand RG Sanders discomfort. There is a fine line between what is acceptable and what is not. I cross that line much to often and maybe this is my cross to bare.
Oh, and Dr Jay- I’ll give you a good price on one of my paintings. Consider it a discount for you kind comment. I am easily seduced by flattery.
Paul- you hit the nail on the head. I would expect nothing less. I am packing up my bags and hitting the road for a few days.
Got to let the room air out and my heart settle down.
Thanks for your always thought provoking insights Drew.
“She threw violent words at my spirit.”
“I worry about my heart.”
I think lots of us have been or are where you are now…better days will come.
Amazing how such powerful and dramatic moments bring out the best in writers, artists, creators of all types. Wonderful piece.
i cannot choose a favorite line or turn – it is all beautiful and tragic, sad, violent and real.
sarah
Thank you Sarah.
If you’ve really worked as a bank teller could you please e-mail me? Many thanks. Will tell you why after you write — or go to my site and you’ll understand a little, and I’ll explain. Disabled HTML so people can’t search this comment. Didn’t know where to find your e-mail address, so my apologies for posting the cryptic comment.
Well, I THOUGHT I disabled HTML! So much for that!
It’s okay, I will not tell any one.
Biting.
Yes, it hurt.