I disdain all forms of authority. I am as attracted to people in positions of power as I am to burnt rubber. When ever I am around people in positions of authority I have a tendency to act out in juvenile ways. I want to make them aware of how much I loathe them by derogatory hand gestures, facial expressions or slanderous words. I find these acts as hard to resist as a person with Turrets must find twitching. My therapist calls my need to deride people in positions of authority a “negative social sickness,” but I think it is simply a sign of an aware intelligence. You see, people in positions of authority are not be trusted because all power corrupts. It turns them into sub-humans who are searching for ways to mold the human species into a mere image of themselves. I think it is a sign of intelligence to know when to put Narcissists in their right place.
And this is why I gave the mighty fuck finger to the meter maid. She was ticketing my innocent car and while I argued with her to cut me some slack my disdain for authority started to boil up in me like carbonated water. I tried to contain my disdain but when I gave her the finger and told her that she was a sickness I had lost control. “You are threatening an officer of the city…and I would recommend that you take your ticket and have a nice day,” she said to me standing tall and looking like a dog in heat. I took the ticket and ripped it up in front of her face only to find that one of the ripped portions of the ticket hit her in the left eye as I let it go in the wind. “That’s it- I am using my authority to place you under arrest,” she said pulling hand cuffs out of a small leather pouch.
I did not know that meter maids could arrest civilians. As she threatened me with more trouble from the law if I did not submit- I felt like I was being attacked by dwarfs or having a morphine relapse. I had trouble comprehending what was going on- like the rules of logic had just been reversed on me. I am going to be arrested by a meter maid? I thought to myself as my confused body allowed her to push me up against the hood of my car while reading me my rights. A crowd of pedestrians had gathered around and I could hear some of them laughing as this over weight meter maid in tight wool shorts had me spread eagle and hand cuffed behind my back. “This is absurd, this is ridiculous,” I kept screaming out- I have done nothing wrong other than tell you want I think of you. This is my first amendment right as an American!!” “You assaulted an officer of the city by almost blinding me with the ticket I issued you,” she said with a kind of slang as she lead me over towards her meter maid ticket mobile. “That was an accident,” I protested, but I knew that I had offended her on a deep level with my insults. She was not going to let me go because she could only forgive through the revenge that she was now getting. My protests at that point were in vein.
There were only two front seats in her meter maid buggy which was small and ran on three wheels. I am a big man and she was a fat lady and how we were going to fit inside was a mystery to me. I was terrified by the prospect of having to sit so close to her! “We can’t both fit,” I anxiously said as she tried to force me to sit in the front passenger side seat. I resisted a bit but she told me that she would charge me with resisting arrest as well if I did not sit down. I was convinced that when the fat meter maid got into the buggy that I would have a panic attack. I felt unsafe and violated. She finally forced me all the way in with the hand cuffs on behind my back. She walked around to the drivers side and as she slowly squeezed here way in she said “I don’t want to hear a dam word out your mouth.” I could feel her warm flesh against my left arm. I was having trouble breathing. As we drove away I could still hear the laughter of the large crowd that had gathered to witness my public humiliation.
With a bail of $400.00 I am now a free man and the laughing stock of my town. I can see it now- Man Arrested By Meter Maid on the front page of the morning chronicle. There will be news reporters waiting for me at my front door when I awake in the afternoon. They will ask me questions and I will explain my side of the story. I will tell the whole world how I was set up and violated by this tyrannical meter maid who was hell bent on humiliating me in public. I will tell the world how she is an angry lady because of all her failed diets. Revenge will be mine, as well as good publicity for this blog which I will be sure to mention.