Flee Bag

There are flees coming out of my ears. Literally. They bounce around upon my shoulder and manage to land on my scalp or my lap. If it was not for my wife who just had to have three cats- I would be free from this torment. But instead my body is riddled with flees and my house has become flee motel. I am in a state of perpetual itch, with strange sensation hopping around on my ankles and a constant gnawing upon my flesh. Is this what Barack Obama means when he says he wants to help those who struggle? Does he mean common people like me who are ridden with flees but too poor to go to the veterinarian and get some kind of medical attention? I never thought I would live in an America where people like me could be covered in so many flees.

I have tried everything to free me from this affliction. My wife who does not seem to be a magnet for flees washes the sheets every day and mops the floor with Listerine. I am eating tones of garlic and brewers yeast because I hear that this is a natural way to repel flees from human flesh. These remedies are not working. If you saw my face you would see at least two flees and laugh. The only thing that does any good is drinking so much wine that I forget about the little critters that are eating me alive. When I am drunk enough I am able to sleep the whole night through without waking up every hour because I feel like dozens of flees have descended upon my face.

My fate is an unusual one. I grew up in an economic situation where there were never flees allowed in my house and if ever any would show up the exterminator would be called in for three days in a row until the rugs where flee free. Pets were seldom allowed in my house and if ever we had a pedigree cat he or she was certain to be bathed by the maid once a day. Having come from a sanitary and affluent environment such as the one I grew up in- to having flees crawling up my shirt and into my large nostrils or out from my ears twenty four hours a day, is a big step down the status ladder that no man or woman wants to take.

Since I am low on cash, my wife offered to buy me a flee repellent collar for humans. It is white and has a strange layer of powder all around it. The moment I looked at it in the store I started to sneeze and get dizzy. I noticed that by just touching the collar dead flees began to fall from my head, but I could not bring myself to let my wife pay the $120.00 cost of the collar. Instead I think that Barack Obama should put into his health care plan a policy that covers Teachers who are infected with flees.

There are only a few more weeks left of flee season. I am hoping that by eating a certain diet, taking several showers a day, drinking a lot of wine and sleeping in a jump suit with a facial mask on- that I can keep the tormenting affects of flee infestation down to a minimum. I have considered getting rid of our three precious flee bag cats in the middle of the night when my wife was asleep but this act would only burden me with more guilt. I have resigned myself to the fact that I need to accept my discomfort and make the best of my life- but even as I sit here writting this, flees are falling out of my hair and jumping on to the key board. I am worried that next week, when I start my teaching job- flees will follow me all the way to school and crawl out of my nose or ears when I am in the middle of class- or worse, in the middle of a teacher Parent conference.


  1. I just sprayed myself with a toxic flee powder and now I must sit in a cold bath for twenty minutes.

    I am only talking to myself here to dull the pain.

  2. Ridiculous Funny! I was blessed for the last 20 years that my cat Ollie was somehow, PRAISE the one above, was FLEA FREE!!!

    He recently passed, and I got another one! AND, guess what?! He is flea free too!! WOW!! The great flea god was smited on that one! Healthy diets, and a LOT of fresh water seems to be the trick.

    Best of Luck.

  3. LOL! Awe you poor thing! I have had my poodle for 13 years, and being an artist I have paid “my dues” by being poor and unable to de flea my pet in a fast, and healthy manor. (shes 4lbs, so I could only give her a flea bath once a week if that for fear that all the shampooing would hurt her) she also wore a flea coller but it takes a while to get rid of them-as you know! When I first moved to L.A. (10yrs ago) I was a hostess at a cafe and we were in the middle of a shift meeting, I was standing near the manager while he was giving his nightly pep-talk and he stops, slaps his neck, looks at his finger and says” is that a flea?” he had no idea it was me because I was showerd, wearing a cute outfit, and a pretty young 22 year old. I had no idea that fles could such a thing! They may do that to you too when you are teaching I’m sorry to say. My poodle and I now live in a flea free enviroment with my fiance and a cat in the hollywood hills. I think that these times in life is what some would call, “building of character”:)

  4. It must be even harder having come from such a priveledged background. Perhaps it’s just karma, balance and you should accept it stoically? You could try reading Kafka, that might ease your sorrows. Wonderfully written, by the way, Randall, you had me itching too.

  5. Building character- yes this is a good way to look at it but I am at a point in my life where I feel as if my character is building me. Thank you for the empathy- who knows maybe a day will come when I can join you in the Hollywood flee free hills. Dreams are a good thing, right?

    Thank you for the compliment Paul- Kafka and I go way back. His trails are mine.

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