I lack the jean that allows an individual to spell. I have read several self help spellers guides and traveled to many different language therapists to work on my spelling skills- all to no avail. It seems as if the ability to perfect my spelling skills lies somewhere beyond the material realm. I have tried ushering in spirits and blessing for assistance from spiritual realms- but not even this has helped. To add stress to the fire I make my living by pretending to be a high school english Teacher during the day. I use the word pretending because I lack the nuts and bolts that hold together an english teacher. This may be why I am beginning to fall apart.
I was hired by the prniciple of my school who was incredibly enthuisiastic about my attitude towards edjucation and learning. I decided to apply to the job on a whim- a bet with the universe. After the interviewe I had no expectations about receiving the job nor did I mention, during the interview, my various spelling and grammar handicaps. Instead, I talked about my various intellectuall preoccupations and my deep belief the reading great literature can liberate opppressed minds. To this day I believe that I got the job because the principle was so impressed by my intellectual acumen that she (inccorecctly) presumed that I must be a master of spelling and grammar. The truth you may already now at this point. I can’t identitfy a pronoun from a preposition, I cant’ conjugate to save my life and correct spelling just aint happening for me. Despite the fact that I love talking about literature, poetry and creative writing, I have accepted that I will never add up to what an english Teacher is supposed to be.
The irony of my life is that I am making my living as a high school english Teacher. I show up at seven ocklock every morning and work until bed time five days a week. On the weekends I am stuck grading a large hill of papers and dreading the week to follow. Recently I have noticed that I have been avoiding writing on the chalk board because students have been brazen enough to begin pointing out my errors. “You’re an english Teacher and you cant even spell betrayle,” they shout or “how did you get this job if you don’t’ now what a verb is???” I have been spending more all nights wide awake terrified about my bluff being called. What if I lost my job- what would I do? For hours and hours this thought plays through my mind? I can go back to waiting tables or try to publish a novel? I think of ways that I could pay my rent if indeed I was fired. I also think about the humiliation that I would suffer if several other Teachers learned of my dis-abilities. “Can you believe it, he was a high school english Teacher who could not even spell,” they would gossip for weeks after I was fired. What if this story made it onto the evening news on television. Sometimes I get so worked up about all this stuff that I have to get out of bed and drink a beer so that I can calm my racing heart.
My Teacher evaluation is coming up. Students are telling me that their parents are beginning to wonder why the comments that I write on my students papers are misspelled. I keep thinking night after night what if a parent reports my spelling errors to the principle of my schhool. Maybe they already now about my inadequate spelling abilities and are waiting to talk to me about it at my evaluation? Granted, I work at an inner sity high school and attendance and discipline are more important than the ability to spell or write a complete sentence- but I now that it is only a matter of time until word gets around about my particular ineptitude. This fear of impending doom is causing me to drink more and sleep less. I mean what kind of person drinks a bottle of red wine a night and sleeps only six hours???? This kind of person has become me and eventually I now that I will have to defend my self and reputation when the truth comes out and my job is in jeopardy. I already have a master plan all figured out, just in case. When confronted- I will blame everything on my father.