The Sex Life Of A Hula Hooper

t742508350_876427_3708 I have finally succeeded in my mission to learn how to keep it up for more than five minutes.  A hula hoop that is. When I first started hula hooping I was unable to keep it up for over a minute. I think this was because of my stress and tension. For years I have been unable to find a form of reputable exercise that not only strengthens my core but also allows for me to release a good majority of my tension. It has taken daily and consistent practice to be able to get top a point where I can keep it up for longer than five minutes. But now on the eve of one of the greatest elections in American history- I am proud to announce that not only is my waist more limber but my groin feels stronger than it has in decades. It is the newly developed muscles in my groin and my strengthened legs- that have allowed me to keep it up. The hula hoop that is.

For years I was unable to master the art of hula hooping. In fact I ridiculed the sport and all those whom I would notice hanging out in parks, twirling silly plastic rings around there fat free waists (a lot of people do this in California). Of course at that time I sported love handles and a well developed beer belly but my scorn was not a manifestation of jealousy- I just thought hula hooping was stupid. Over the past year I have been looking for newer ways to keep my body in shape without having to leave my home or join a gym. I have tried Yoga and improvisational dancing to old Michael Jackson records but neither of these exercises have I been able to perform with regularity. When a friend recommended to me to try hula hooping I laughed. Not only was my waist to stiff but I was not interested in looking like a fool. I commented to my friend on the stupidity of hula hooping but when she told me that it was an exercise invented and practiced by the Greeks- I began to think differently about it.

Now I twirl a circular candy cane looking hoop around my waist for thirty minutes a day. I do it when no one else is home because the one time I was caught by my wife and sister hula hooping they not only took a picture of me (posted above) but they also could not stop laughing for many minutes. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and so now I keep my exercising to myself. It has only been through daily hard work that I have reached the point of being able to keep it up for more than five minutes. In my life at the moment there is no greater thrill than listening to jazz music and twirling a plastic hoop around my waist.

In my perfunctory job as an English Teacher I spend the majority of my day either sitting or standing. There is little that I can do for exercise at work other than stand up and sit down in my chair, and repeat this ten times. I tend to try and stand for longer periods but my sedentary academic job has caused my bones to stiffen and my muscles to atrophy. Hula hooping, has become an exercise that I look forward to doing when I return home from work. I do it outside in the garden (even in the rain) since I was forbidden to do it in the house since I broke my wife’s favorite glass plate and figurative clay sculpture. Besides there just is not enough room in our small abode for a big guy like me to be twirling a hoop around his waist.

This evening while my wife and I where eating home made chili and talking about the various propositions that we were going to vote for tomorrow, I told her that I can now keep the hula hoop up for longer than five minutes at a time. I could detect a laugh and cynicism that wanted to come forth from her mouth but instead she responded with support and encouragement. “I’ll bet I can change my whole body if I hula hoop every day for the next few months,” I said. “You probably could, I don’t know,” she replied. “Well I am going to give it my best shot,” I responded. We continued to eat and talk about propositions and I thought about all the various hula hoop clubs that I would join and I also thought about getting my wife to get into hula hooping so that we could enjoy the exercise together. When I suggested this to her she said, “Yes, it has been a long time since I have seen you keep it up for more than five minutes.” “Ha, ha,” I said, pretending that her remark did not bother me. But it has stayed with me all night and made its way into my writing about hula hooping because I just do not understand why my wife has to bring our sex life into everything I do that gives me pleasure.

7 thoughts on “The Sex Life Of A Hula Hooper

  1. That is outrageous and cracked me up, Randall. I want a video. It is impossible to tell with you. And I want a video of the improvisational dancing to Michael Jackson too. This is a fantastic bit of absurdistry. Bravo,

  2. That sucks man, But think of it this way, When you’ve finnaly mastered the hulla hoop, you will be a sex god and she can’t crack that joke anymore.

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