I am again sitting at my round kitchen table looking out into my backyard. For this interview I am not still in my pajamas but instead am wearing a nice pair of corduroy pants with my shirt tucked in. It is fair to say that I am dressed up nicely. It is 11:15am and I have already been out of the house for a bit to grab a muffin and some tea from a bakery that I like in downtown Claremont. I sat and drank my tea, consumed my muffin and read a book for an hour or so. The mistake that I made was that I drank strong green tea and ate a bran muffin. Halfway through my walk home I felt an immense pressure pushing against my anal sphincter and knew I had an immediate problem. This happens to me sometimes when I eat certain foods that seem to have a laxative effect. I forgot that the combination of green tea and bran muffin have this effect upon me and as I walked home I really thought that I may defecate in my pants. I used my butt muscles to create a kind of block against whatever was trying to force its way out. The closer that I got to my home the more difficult it became to not give into the pressure. I am embarrassed to say that in the middle of an intersection I had to stop and use my hands to press both of my butt cheeks together so as not to literally lose my shit right there in the road. I am glad to report that I made it to the toilet just in time yet escaping the mess and humiliation that almost occurred. After using the bathroom I came and sat down for this interview. I had a look of great relief upon my face.
Interviewer: Well now that you gave us that rather disturbing and somewhat disgusting introduction how are you feeling now?
Randall: I feel really relieved at the moment, thank you.
Interviewer: I am sure you do.
Randall: I do.
Interviewer: Well, thank you for making it on time to our interview today.
Randall: My pleasure.
Interviewer: After yesterday’s interview I was not sure if you were going to show up today.
Randall: Neither was I. Yesterday was a tough one and I thought that I may just want to take today off, work in my garden and try to rediscover my love of reading literature.
Interviewer: Well you have plenty of time to do that later today.
Randall: Yes I do.
Interviewer: Just out of curiosity, have you ever “defecated in your pants” before?
Randall: I have, once before. I was in a coastal city in Spain called Malaga. I had eaten lunch at an outdoor restaurant on the beach where they specialized in freshly caught fish and jumbo sardines. I ate a lot of large and delicious sardines at lunch a long with another kind of whole fish, eyes and all, covered in pebble sized sea salt. The name of the fish I do not remember. I also drank a pitcher of delicious sangria (not all to myself of course, I was having lunch with another person). Anyways after lunch we went back to our hotel room, rested for a bit and then I decided to get some exercise and went for a long walk. I hiked up into the foothills of Malaga where there were beautiful Spanish style suburban homes that overlooked the sea. On my way down from the hill I began to feel that pressure against my anal sphincter that I spoke of in the introduction. But this time the pressure was much more immediate and serious and I knew I was in trouble. I…….
Interviewer: Ok well I think that is plenty of information. I get the point and would be quite happy if you spared me any further details.
Randall: But you don’t want to know about how I……
Interviewer: No, no, no really I get it. My imagination can take care of the rest. Lets move on to some other questions.
Randall: Well you asked me if I had defecated in my pants before.
Interviewer: I did and I am sorry that I did. I opened a door that I should have kept shut. That is why I want to know move this interview in another direction.
Randall: Ok, whatever you need to do but I find that this is a recurring theme with you.
Interviewer: With me?
Randall: Yes. Whenever conversation seems to get too difficult or uncomfortable for you you pull out of it. It is like you just can not deal with the conversation if it is not agreeable with you and often times this leaves me feeling cut off, shut up and unheard.
Interviewer: Well, I apologize if I make you feel this way, it is not my intention.
Randall: I understand that it may not be your intention but it is often what you do and I do not like how it feels. Just like you want to be able to discuss and talk about whatever you want I have the same needs. You always tell me to speak my mind, to tell you honestly how I feel but then sometimes when I do this you get uncomfortable and upset with me. You confuse me- I don’t know if you want me to speak my mind and be honest or to be careful what I say to you for fear of upsetting you.
Interviewer: Well I don’t know what to say to you Randall other than I will try to be more mindful of this in the future. Of course I want you to speak your mind, to be honest with me. As the interviewer I need you to be honest and open with me or else the interview would be dull and boring. I will work on being more mindful of how I react to you and try to not avoid or shut down the conversation when you are discussing things that make me feel uncomfortable. Fair?
Randall: Sounds fair to me. Can I continue with my story about how I defecated in my pants?
Interviewer (with a cringe upon his face) I think that for the sake of the reader it would be best if we moved on to other subject matters. There are so many questions that I want to ask you about yourself that it may take a year to get through this interview process at the rate at which we are going.
Randall: What other questions do you have for me today?
Interviewer: Well I wanted to talk with you about the blog that you have been keeping for the past five years or so.
Randall: You mean Absurdistry?
Interviewer: Well I am wondering how it feels to be a blogger without many readers?
[just as I asked Randall this question he got up to go see if there were any avocados that were ready to be picked from his avocado tree. He came back inside with three unripe and unready to be picked avocados in his hand.]
Randall: If you put them in a paper bag, in a week they will be delicious and ready to eat.
Interviewer: Aren’t you trying to rush natures process?
Randall: Sometime I am too impatient for natures process.
Interviewer: I see. Well are you ready to answer the initial question that I asked you before you got up to go check on the avocado tree?
Randall: The question about being a blogger who know one reads?
Randall: (taking a deep breath) First off I do not consider myself to be a blogger. I am a writer and I use my blog to self publish my writings.
Interviewer: Isn’t that what most bloggers do?
Randall: I don’t know what most bloggers do but what I do is write stories and other stuff and then use my blog “Absurdistry” to self publish my writings.
Interviewer: I understand this but is it fair to say that there is a difference between self-publishing and posting?
Randall: What do you mean?
Interviewer: What I mean is that often times publishing often involves some kind of contract/payment for your work and it also means having more than one or two readers whereas posting is what a blogger like yourself does when they write something and then put it on their blog hoping that others will read it.
Randall: I am not a blogger.
Interviewer: I understand that you do not think that you are a blogger and prefer to think of yourself as a writer but as it stands- you are a blogger.
Randall: I am not a blogger.
Interviewer: You really are my friend.
Randall: Would I be more of a writer if I did not “post” my writings on my blog and instead sent my writings out to other people and agencies in that hopes that I get published?
Interviewer: Yes. As long as the entirety of your writing output is not going up on your blog and you are making an effort to be exposed to a larger amount of readers through various publishers, literary journals, on-line, I would say you are more of a writer then.
Randall: Well, we both obviously have different ideas about this.
Interviewer: You are a blogger.
Randall: I am not.
Interviewer: You are!
Interviewer: And how does it feel to post your writings on a blog that barley no one reads or comments on. To basically know that you are writing, or “self publishing” and almost no one is reading these words and you are doing it for free!
Interviewer: (waiting for a response)
Randall: Look, I started Absurdistry because I thought it was a good way to “self publish” my writings. I am not the kind of guy who is going to take the time to send or submit my writings to various publications (this is why I decided to become a psychotherapist). It is just not going to happen. I feel like my writing stands on its own and in time it will earn the respect of various readers. I trust that the future of reading is blogs and that I will get more readers and notoriety from “posting” on my blog than if I was to take other publishing routes.
Interviewer: Is it fair to say that this point of view is just a way for you to rationalize your laziness when it comes to doing anything about your writing career? That you are engaging in a bit of magical thinking and are avoiding really doing what it would take to be the kind of writer that you have always dreamed of being?
Interviewer: Do you not want to answer my question?
Randall: I think I have had enough of your questions for today.
Interviewer: Now you are shutting me up, doing just the thing that you asked me not to do to you.
Randall: I think this interview is finished for today.
[Randall, obviously very frustrated with the subject matter I brought up, gets up from the table, opens the refrigerator and stares into it as if he is trying to find a way to escape from this particular moment in time.]