Interview With Myself #8: Nudity, Irresponsibility and Brushing Teeth.

When this interview begins I am again sitting at my round kitchen table. It is 10:05am. Before the interview begins I already know that the interviewer is not going to be happy with me for two reasons. One is that he wanted to meet in a different place, such as the living room. The fact of the matter is that I feel most comfortable being interviewed at my kitchen table. It just feels right here, so I stood him up and am now waiting for him to arrive in the kitchen. The second reason why I know the interviewer is not going to be happy with me is because I am naked.

Interviewer: (silent)

Randall: Good morning?

Interviewer: (still silent)

Randall: Are you just going to show up to interview me and not say a word?

Interviewer: Look I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you this morning but this is just not acceptable.

Randall: What is not acceptable?

Interviewer: First of all we agreed to meet in the living room for this interview. I was waiting there for you for the past ten minutes and when I assumed you had forgotten and came into the kitchen to see if you were here I find you sitting at the kitchen table naked! What the fuck is going on?

Randall: Nothing is going on.

Interviewer: What do you mean nothing is going on?  Why are you not wearing any clothes?

Randall: I just felt like being naked. It is a warm and sunny October morning, my house is warm and I just did not want to wear any clothes.

Interviewer: You just did not want to wear any clothes?

Randall: That is what I said.

Interviewer: Do you feel like it is professional and responsible of you to show up to a serious interview naked?

Randall: I don’t see the problem with it.

Interviewer: You don’t?

Randall: No.

Interviewer: Can you understand how it could make me a little uncomfortable?

Randall: I don’t see why. I mean after all we are the same person.

Interviewer: (taking a deep breath) Look you are the last person I would expect to show up to an interview naked. You barley ever even take off all of your clothes when you are making love to your wife so I am surprised to find you comfortably sitting here in the nude. It is not like you at all.

Randall: Look, I thought that I would do something a bit different for our interview.

Interviewer: Well please spare me. I don’t need you to do anything different. I just need you to show up dressed and ready to talk about yourself.

Randall: (taking a deep breath) Fine, fine, fine. Have it your way. You always need to have things your way, so fine (Randall gets up, goes into his bedroom and puts on a black t-shirt and black sweat pants).

Randall: Is this better?

Interviewer: Much. Thank you.

Randall: (silent).

Interviewer: I thought we agreed to meet in the livingroom for this interview? Why were you sitting in the kitchen?

Randall: I just felt more comfortable having the interview here.

Interviewer: That is fine and all but do you think you could have gotten up and come and let me know?

Randall: Look. You and me are the same person- I thought you would know.

Interviewer: Well I did not, ok? I was waiting there like a shmuck for ten minutes.

Randall: There is an old Zen saying I like which you should try: “If you can learn how to enjoy waiting you do not have to wait to enjoy.”

Interviewer: Look Randall, do not try to tell me how to be. I really don’t need your cryptic Zen sayings. I am fine with waiting when I need to but I don’t appreciate being strung along. I find it very disrespectful that you would leave me sitting around waiting for you on the couch while you sit in the kitchen vegging out in your birthday suit.

Randall: I was not vegging out. I was preparing myself for our interview.

Interviewer: Preparing yourself? Common, you do about as much preparation for these interviews as I do for brushing my teeth.

Randall: Yeah and you barley ever brush your teeth so you’re not one to talk.

Interviewer: I brush my teeth everyday thank you.

Randall: Once a day at the most.

Interviewer: Some times twice.

Randall: Almost always once and that my friend is disgusting because you eat all day long and then you walk around talking and smiling at people with all that food stuck in your teeth. Disgusting.

Interviewer: I would like to remind you Mr Wonderful that you and I share the same set of disgusting teeth and if I am walking around all day with food stuck in my teeth, so then are you.

Randall: Yeah but at least I try to brush my teeth more often than you.

Interviewer: I really don’t think so pal.

Randall: You don’t think so?

Interviewer: Hardly

[Randall gets up and storms out of the kitchen. He goes into the bathroom and grabs a toothbrush and toothpaste. He comes back into the kitchen, goes to the kitchen sink. He covers his toothbrush and fingers with toothpaste and then starts ravenously brushing his teeth. He is making a mess and getting toothpaste all over his black shirt and on the floor. He keeps brushing and brushing while looking at the interviewer with a kind of smirk on his face.]

Randall: (while brushing his teeth) Ha, ha, ha- you don’t think I brush my teeth? What does it look like I am doing now? Ha, ha, ha????

Interviewer: (looking very uncomfortable) Ok obviously you have lost your mind. You are not on the safe side of sanity and I declare this interview finished.

Randall: (still brushing his teeth) What does it look like I am doing now? Ha, ha ha??? Brushing my teeth!!!

[Interviewer gets up from the kitchen table, politely pushes the chair in and walks out of the kitchen while Randall is still madly brushing his teeth.]

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