It is 10:07am. I am dressed in a t-shirt, boxer shorts and am wearing comfortable slippers on my feet. I have been sitting here at my kitchen table waiting for the interviewer to show up for quite some time now. I don’t think he is coming today. I have been staring out my kitchen window, watching my German shepherd chase squirrels. I have made myself green tea, oatmeal and wasted time surfing around the internet. I’ve been patiently waiting for the interviewer but I do not think he is coming. Maybe he is upset about yesterday’s interview. Maybe he is trying to get revenge on me for not meeting him in the place that he wanted to meet for our interview yesterday. Who knows why he does the things he does sometimes.
Maybe it is good that we take a little break from one another. I thought things were going well between us but it seems that it is very easy for each of us to trigger each other. Things can get out of hand very quickly. Granted, I am willing to admit that yesterday my behavior was a bit out of control. I allowed myself to get uncontrollably defensive and angry as a result of his accusations. Sometimes I feel like I am not able to control my less desirable emotions. When I feel angry it seems like it is difficult for me to override this anger with will power and remain calm and present. I have a tendency to over react, to get carried away in the moment and I almost always regret it later. So yes, I did allow my anger to get the best of me yesterday. I felt disrespected and picked on by the interviewer and I allowed him to trigger me into what some may describe as a very unreasonable, psychotic fit.
Maybe it is good that the interviewer and I do not see each other today. I know that the interviews have been going well for the past few interviews but I think that the entire interview process takes an emotional toll upon both of us. It can be emotionally draining to be so focused on one’s inner emotional world rather than just being present in one’s life. But I do not have a therapist right now and I look at these interviews as a kind of self-induced psychoanalysis. The interviews are a kind of therapeutic process for me but at the same time I question their legitimacy. I occasionally doubt the entire process. I often ask myself, “why I am I doing this?” What is the point of interviewing one’s self? I know that the interviewer feels that these interviews can shed a kind of microscopic light on the human condition. He feels that there is immense value in doing these interviews. I on the other hand am not so sure.
I am just one individual in a massive sea of individuals. I am only here for a moment in time and then will vanish into that place which is the great equalizer. Why is it so important for me to leave a trace of myself behind? I am not some great character in the unfolding story of human history. I have had little influence upon the times in which I live. I am not what my father calls a “mover and a shaker.” Instead I am more like a stone. I do what I can to help others, I live a very peaceful and solitary life and without a doubt I sit on the sidelines of human history. Yes I am an artist and a writer but I do these things solely for my own pleasure, to document a life lived. I have little desire to hang my art in a gallery or to read my words in a published journal or book. So why interview me? Who gives a damn about what I have to say? Why not spend my time doing more useful things like going for walks, gardening, playing with my dog, rolling in the grass with my wife, reading, meditating? All of these things seem much more beneficial to my well-being than having my inner world picked apart by the interviewer.
But I continue to allow him to interview me. Despite my doubts and hesitation I allow him to push both of us along through this interview process. I am grateful that he is interested enough in some obscure character and dedicates so much of his time and energy to interviewing me. But is it really necessary? Sure it is therapy for me. I do get something out of it. But what does he get out of it? Why is he doing this? Why does he care so much about interviewing me? The interviewer has told me that this process is something very important to him. That despite the fact that only a few people may ever read it, it is an important journey for both of us to go on together. He likes to compare it to the id and ego or the conscious and the unconscious spending more time together, getting better acquainted with one another. So for now I am trusting his vision. I am going where he wants me to go but I suppose the reason why I am may be so temperamental and easily agitated is because I do have my doubts about the entire enterprise.
Well it looks as if the interviewer is not going to be showing up today. So be it. I will apologize to him whenever I see him next and hopefully we can get on with things. Move beyond our petty quarrels. For now I think it is best for me to go do something more useful with myself than sit here and think about all these things. Maybe I will take off my shirt, go outside, get some sun and water the plants.