The Narcissist Test

Ready?

Yes.

How are you?

I’m fine, thank you.

Ready?

Yes.

Ok. Do you get agitated or angry when people do not do what you want them to do?

Yes.

Do you get angry when other people doubt you?

Sometimes, yes.

Do you think that you are the center of the universe?

Often times, yes.

What I mean is, are you obsessed with yourself? With your idea of the world?

Yes, I guess so.

Do you often judge others who are different from you?

Yes, I do.

Do you often consider other people to be idiots?

Yes.

Do you think that people who follow sports are idiots?

Yes.

Do you often think that you are somehow smarter, wiser, more superior than other people?

Yes.

Do you often tell people closest to you and others what to do?

Yes.

Do you prefer wearing shorts or pants?

What does that have anything to do with this?

Please answer the question.

Pants.

Do you become easily bored if the conversation is not about you?

Yes.

Do you use the word “I” a lot?

Yes.

Do you often tell others what you think they should do?

Yes.

Does it bother you when other people tell you what to do?

Yes.

Do you give your opinion when your opinion has not been asked for?

Yes.

Do you eat a lot of carbohydrates?

Really?

Please answer the question.

Yes.

Do you often feel upset that you have not achieved or accomplished a higher level of economic success?

Yes.

Do you feel hurt, irritated or angered when people do not do what you think would be best for them to do?

Didn’t you already ask me this questions?

Please answer the question.

Yes.

Ever feel like you are being nice only because you know that you have been mean or inappropriate?

Yes.

Do you find it difficult to listen to others?

Yes.

Do you find it difficult to listen to others without formulating a response in your head?

Yes.

Do you find it difficult to let other people do whatever they want without needing to tell them what to do?

No.

Do you feel like you need to fix people?

Yes.

Oh gosh.

Excuse me?

Nothing, sorry. Do you get angry or at all upset when your house is not kept clean?

Yes, but I am trying to get better about that.

Do you expect someone else to do the cleaning?

I expect others to help out and keep the house as clean as I would like it to be. But I am not a Nazi about it.

Yes or no please.

No.

Do you get mad when you feel like others are not maintaining the level cleanliness that you want in your home?

Yes.

Do you often feel like you need to re-educate the world?

Yes.

Do you think that people are often out to get you somehow?

Yes.

Did you have a father or a mother who has/had narcissistic personality disorder?

Yes.

When people do not do what you want them to do, do you hold a grudge?

Yes.

Do you feel like they deserve to be punished for letting you down?

Sometimes.

Yes or no please.

I can’t give a straight yes or no response to some of these questions.

Next then.

Ok.

Do you have a difficult time not feeling angry?

Sometimes, yes.

Are you ever able to be loving and supportive of others even when they do not do what you want?

It is difficult. Yes.

When you are upset with others do you withhold love or stonewall them?

I am afraid so. I do not like that I do it but it often seems difficult to control.

Please just try and answer yes or no. I do not need any explanations or justifications.

Yes.

Do you have a hard time displaying empathy or compassion for others?

I do, yes.

Is it easy for you to show the emotion of love?

No.

Do you often feel bad about yourself?

I suppose so, yes.

Do you feel like you need to maintain complete control or else something could go really wrong?

Yes.

Do you care about how others perceive you?

Yes.

Do you often go out of your way to make yourself look better off than you really are?

I think so. Yes.

Do you not like others whom you think do not like you?

Yes.

Do you have a hard time respecting others who do not share your values?

Yes.

Do you judge others who are different from you?

You already asked me that.

Please just answer the question yes or no.

Yes. Often.

Do you have unresolved anger towards your mother or father?

Yes.

Which one?

Both.

Do you think that the things you have to say are very important?

Yes.

Do you think your opinion matters?

Yes.

When you do not like someone is it difficult for you to hide it?

Yes.

Do you judge others a lot?

I think I do.

Yes or no?

Yes.

Do you have a difficult time experience happiness for any length of time?

Yes.

Does something often happen or does someone often do something that you feel is wrong?

Yes.

Do you resent others who do not share similar interests as you?

I suppose so.

Yes or no?

Depends on the person.

Next question.

Ok.

Do you often feel angry at others and/or the world.

Yes, I suppose so.

Do you envy others whom you perceive as being more successful or more accomplished than you?

Yes.

Do you spend a lot of time trying to distract yourself from yourself?

Yes.

Do you often experience the emotions of frustration and irritation?

Aren’t they the same thing?

Please answer the question.

Yes.

Do you try to create a positive image of yourself in the world that may not be true to who you really are?

I don’t know, that is a good question.

Yes or no please.

I really don’t know.

Do you often experience feelings of failure?

Yes.

Are you often unsatisfied with things as they are?

Yes.

Are you controlling with money, meaning are you cheap?

Yes.

Do you derive pleasure out of giving freely to others?

Not really.

Ok sir, that is the end of the test.

How did I do?

You are a narcissist.

What?

Yes, you are a narcissist.

Oh come on, that can’t be! And besides what the hell does wearing pants or shorts have to do with being a narcissist?

The research shows that the vast percentage of narcissist do not like wearing shorts and eat too many carbohydrates.

Shit.
….

How bad is my narcissism?

I have seen worse but it is bad enough.

What can I do about it?

I don’t know, I just administer the test.

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