Head In The Clouds

The phrase “man with head in the clouds” refers to someone who lacks practicality and is often lost in their own thoughts or imagination. Fair enough, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. Creative minds are often what lead to innovation and progress in various fields. But too much time in the proverbial clouds can lead to neglecting important responsibilities or opportunities, leaving you with not much security to hold on to. It’s a precarious existence.

A man with his head in the clouds is someone who is constantly daydreaming and visualizing different possibilities. He wants out of the present moment by living in imaginary spaces. He may have a great imagination and come up with amazing ideas, but without taking action on them, the ideas remain just that: ideas that fade away like clouds. This is an unfortunate aspect of being a man with his head in the clouds.

Furthermore, a man with his head in the clouds may be seen as unrealistic or impractical by others. They may view him as ungrounded, lazy, irresponsible or too idealistic. This can lead to him being dismissed or overlooked, especially in more structured or traditional environments where practicality and responsibility are valued over creativity. This is why a man with his head in the clouds is often drowning in creditors and irrelevance.

Having one’s head in the clouds can also be seen as a virtue. It is these kinds of people who dream up new inventions, create art, solve problems and make big changes in the world. They see things from a different perspective, generating new ways of thinking and problem-solving. They may also be more attuned to their intuition and emotions, which can lead to greater empathy and understanding of others. Unfortunately, it can also lead to greater levels of depression and despair while living in a society that does not value men who have their head in the clouds.

Being a man with his head in the clouds may have its downsides, but it can also be a source of inspiration and innovation. While it is important to remain grounded and practical at times, we should also value and encourage creativity and imagination. After all, without individuals who dare to have their head in the clouds, everything would just be all the same.

For the Dogs, How to Help Yourself and Your Angry Owner

Chapter 12

You, the Golden Retrievers, German Shepherds, Black Labs, Poodles, Huskies, Pitbulls, Rottweilers, Terriers, Beagles, Shih Tzus, Pugs, Boxers, Afghan Hounds, Akitas, Alaskan Klee Kais, Foxhounds and on and on (I love you all)- it is for you that I write this chapter. You have had to carry a very heavy burden as a result of having an angry owner. In this chapter I am going to attempt (I may not succeed since I do not know exactly what it is like to be a dog) to address your needs, wants and desires as you try and live with an angry dog owner. I will also try and give some specific suggestions for how you can better handle his anger and how to help end the cycle of anger in your relationship- even if it means digging your way out of the backyard and leaving your angry owner altogether.

*Since the majority of angry dog owners are men, I will be using the personal pronouns he or his in this chapter. If you have an angry female dog owner, please just substitute she for he.

It’s Not Your Fault

Probably the first thing that every dog in a relationship with an angry dog owner should know is that his anger is not your fault. Most angry dog owners are reluctant to admit their flaws and shortcomings, so they will try and blame you for their problems. It seems as if they are getting angry at you because you are pulling on the leash, not sitting when told, going to the bathroom in the house, barking too much, digging holes, chewing up their personal belongings or playing too rough. But you know him better than anyone else and deep down he knows that you can see through his bullshit. You know that he is not getting angry because of the things you do but instead his anger is a result of things like: his unsatisfying job, his difficult relationship with his parents, the fact that he always has to lie about how much money he makes, his failed promotion, the problems with his erection, his failed expectations of himself, his difficulties with intimacy and so on. Because he knows that you know these things about him you may therefore be a threat to him, and he will feel less threatened if he can somehow shift the responsibility for his actions on to you. So you will become the reason for everything that goes wrong in his life. I know it seems unfair, but it is the way it is.

You are the one whom he abuses, verbally or physically, and this makes him feel guilty. It may sound strange to you, but at the same time that he feels guilty for all the terrible things that he does to you, the fact that he feels guilty only makes him angrier. Since you are the one that he feels guilty about, you are the one that is the focus of his anger. This is why he does not seem to care that he does not walk you for weeks on end and leaves you in the backyard all alone, all day and night. His anger is being directed at you and as a result he sees his abandonment of you as fair punishment for the “disobedient” things that you do.

Getting Angry Dog Owners To Move Beyond Blame

In my role as a psychotherapist, I encourage angry dog owners to look back and see why they became angry at their dogs. I ask them to be honest with themselves about how they felt when their parents mistreated them in both big and small ways. How did they feel when a parent humiliated or abused them or when they got in a lot of trouble for doing something that they did not know was wrong? This is an important part of the coping process, since so many angry dog owners have walled themselves off from their feelings and from their unpleasant memories that they truly do not understand why they are getting so angry at their dogs.

As the angry dog owner proceeds in his therapy process he begins to remember what it felt like as a young man to continually have one or both parents angry with him for doing nothing other than being himself. At this point in the therapeutic process I encourage the angry dog owner to move beyond blaming his dog for his anger. I help him to see that putting too much emphasis on blaming his anger on his dog is to put the emphasis in the wrong place.

You Can’t Fix Him

I know that you have nothing but unconditional love for your owner. I know that all you want to do is be with him and help to make him happy. That is what is so wonderful about dogs- your continual desire to please and to love your owner. But keep in mind that human beings have domesticated you through hundreds of years of trial and error. They have manipulated your DNA and trained you to nurture, comfort, heal, love, protect and make huge sacrifices for your owner. Your needs are supposed to come second, or third, after everyone else has been taken care of. The trouble with this ethic (for lack of a better word) is that your needs often never get seen or tended to. By the time everyone one else’s needs have been taken care of, your owner is tired and ready to go to bed or zone out in front of the television. This often leaves you hungry and alone in the backyard.

In particular, dogs are trained to realize that it is their job to be subordinate to their dog owners and to always put their owners needs in front of their own. Any time you attempt to get your own needs met you will almost always experience anger from your dog owner. A dog is supposed to be “loyal to their owner.” As a result most dogs are trained to believe that they have very few needs and it is their main job to “fix” their owners. Dogs come to define their role in life very narrowly. They come to see themselves as having little other purpose in life other than to provide obedience, comfort and happiness to their owners. Suddenly, their owner’s problems end up becoming their problems.

When the dog falls into the “fixer” role, his or her life becomes more and more constricted. The dog tries harder and harder to please its owner and stops doing all the other canine things that are important to him/her. He/She does not run around and play as much as he/she once did. He/She does not chase squirrels or birds with as much determination and excitement as he/she once did. He/She does not smell and lick other dogs as much as he/she once did. The dog becomes increasingly “de-selfed.” He/She gives up more and more of him or herself in order to try and please his or her owner. But the problem is that you cannot fix your owner. The sacrificing does not work! The more you sacrifice and try and please him, the more he continues along his angry way!!

The most important thing that I try and communicate to the dogs that I work with is- you have got to back off. You cannot fix your owner no matter how hard you try! It is futile for you to continue to try and mold yourself into what you think he wants you to be in a vain attempt to make him happy. I know you feel like it is in your nature to want to please him but remember- this has been domesticated and conditioned into you. It is not a natural part of who you are. Your work is to reconnect with what is natural to your canine being. To reconnect with the authentic self that has been conditioned out of you. As you might imagine, this is hard work. Are you up for the challenge?

What Can You Do for Yourself?

Your angry owner may be pulling you both down. It is important that you do not let him destroy your life. This may mean that you try and escape by any means necessary in order to save yourself. This is better than both of you being destroyed. Lets take a minute to talk about whether you should stay or go.

If your dog owner has physically abused you, chances are that it will happen again. Past violence is the best predictor of future violence. Even though it may not seem like such a big deal that your owner occasionally kicks you or forcefully throws you down on the ground and holds you there against your will, it is. According to the American Bar Association, “Domestic violence is an ongoing cycle producing increasingly severe injuries over time.” According to data that I have collected, almost half of the dogs that have been battered will be victimized again within six months. Remember: there is no excuse for kicking, forcefully holding or hitting you unless of course you are starting a fight with another dog or attacking a human being (I understand that usually the reason why you are attacking another human being or starting a fight with another dog is because you are expressing the anger that you have contracted from your owner but it is not the correct way to deal with your anger).

Other than attacking another human being or starting a fight with an innocent dog, there is nothing that you can do that justifies getting physically abused. It does not matter if you are barking too much, have dug holes in your backyard, have made the mistake of going to the bathroom in the house, continually pull on the leash when you are on a walk, do not come when called, do not sit when you are told or chew up things that belongs to your owner- as frustrating as these behaviors may be to humans, none of them justify having violence inflicted upon you by your owner.

With the majority of dogs that I work with who have been violently assaulted by their owners, I often recommend that they find a way to escape. As hard as this may be, I am sorry to say that unless your angry owner gets into serious psychotherapeutic treatment, the behavior is not likely to change. I recommend that you start digging a hole someplace in your backyard that is not easily noticeable to your owner so that you can get under a fence and run away. As drastic as this measure may seem, I recommend that you look at this measure as digging your way towards a better life.

Now if you decide that you can stay and that there is hope for change, well then- good for you! But you must take care of yourself. The first thing that you need to do is find out where he stops and you start. You have probably been too bound up in his business for long enough. Now it is time for you to start taking care of your business.

Even though you might be left alone in the backyard a lot and not taken on daily walks, there are things you can start doing. Get some exercise. You may find that aerobic exercise is a quick remedy for your depression and anger. You have a lot of time on your paws, so if you have the space, run around in circles as much as you can. Also rather than just sitting around all day with your head down, start doing deep breathing exercises (you can learn more about specific deep breathing exercises in the appendices of this book). This will not only help to revitalize your depressed and stressed out cells but it will also bring you more fully into the present moment. Even though you may be left outside alone on a cold night, use deep breathing to keep yourself warm and satisfied in the present moment. Often times I hear stories from dogs about how depressed they become when left alone outside on cold nights. I try to encourage them to empower themselves in these situations rather than becoming victims of the cold and the negative thoughts that can occur when a dog is left alone for too long. As I discuss in the appendices of this book, some ways to empower yourself are through deep breathing exercises and stretching (keeping yourself strong and fit).

Above all- make sure you stop letting your life completely revolve around your angry owner. It will be better for both of you in the long run if you can take care of yourself and work on your own insecurities and anger. Even though you are not able to communicate with your angry dog owner about the issues that you are dealing with, see if you can find a therapist that specializes in working with dogs who have angry owners. These trained specialists will be able to communicate with you in ways that you are not able to do with your angry dog owner. If you make the effort to take charge of your mental health, I promise you that the results will be worth it!

*This chapter was inspired by the work of Thomas J. Harbin, Ph.D. and his groundbreaking work with angry dog owners.

Interview With Myself

My interview with myself is taking place on Monday morning at 8:43am in my kitchen. I am sitting at my round kitchen table, which looks out into my backyard where there is a large lawn and an even larger Mulberry tree. My German shepherd, who is obsessed with the frenetic squirrels running around in the trees, is currently hyper-focused upon one squirrel in particular and cannot stop chasing it around. I am feeling rather annoyed that my dog cannot just sit still, relax and enjoy the morning. There is an empty bowl of brown rice cereal on the kitchen table with the spoon still resting inside the bowl. There is also an empty mug, sitting besides the bowl, which earlier was filled with green tea. My hair is not brushed and I am still wearing the same clothes that I slept in.

 

Interviewer: Good morning Randall. Thank you for meeting with me at such an early time. I know that you are not a morning person.

Randall: Good morning. Not a problem. It is true that I am not much of a morning person but it is a pleasure to be here. I am sorry that I am not more dressed up for our interview but since it is taking place in our home I did not think you would mind.

Interviewer: No I do not mind at all. Is there anything that you need before we begin this interview?

Randall: Actually a little bit more green tea would be nice and if it is at all possible to get our dog to stop running around outside that would be helpful also.

Interviewer: Well let me see what I can do.

[Interviewer and Randall take a five-minute or so break to boil some more hot water and to try and get the dog to relax. Randall suggests that I feed the dog since Randall has not done that yet.]

Interviewer: Ok, so I have given our dog a raw hide to chew on which seems to have calmed her down. Is the green tea to your liking?

Randall: Yes it is is. Thanks for taking care of these things.

Interviewer: Not a problem. So should we begin the interview?

Randall: Why not.

Interviewer: I guess my first question for us is why did you want to conduct an interview with yourself? Some people might see this as a very strange, unstable and even selfish thing to do.

Randall: Well first off, if people chose to view my interviewing myself as strange, selfish, unstable or even ridiculous that is ok with me. I have always encouraged people to think for themselves and I welcome adversity or negative criticism. I think that divergent points of view are important for intelligent and interesting discourse. If I needed everyone to think like I do, or to agree with me- what a bore. As far as wanting to interview myself- why not? I have lived for 41 years now and have been waiting for someone to want to interview me. No one has come along wanting to do so, so I have decided to hell with it, why not just go ahead and interview myself. Plus I am tired of watching other people being interviewed. I wanted to see what it is like being the one being interviewed.

Interviewer: Well you make a good point. One can wait an entire lifetime for a person to come along who wants to interview them- for most people that person never comes. I think that every human on the planet should be interviewed at least once in his or her lifetime, since it is my belief that every person has a unique and captivating life story to tell. If you had to summarize what your unique and captivating life story would be what would you say?

Randall: Hmmmm. That is a good question Randall. I guess I would say that it would be how I developed into the man that I am today. As you know it has been a bizarre journey. We have been many different people in our lifetime and I find it interesting to have ended up where we have. I grew up in a rather economically privileged situation. I was raised in a country club where my worst fear was getting hit in the head with a golf ball. That is not actually true but I think it is funny to say. Even though I grew up in a seemingly safe and privileged home I feared many things. Probably more things than I should have. I wanted to be a professional tennis player but that did not work out. I almost did not graduate high school. I went to a very expensive private college where I was totally disinterred in school and obsessed with fitting in, women and partying. When I got out of college I was lost and managed to spend my graduation gift of $10,000 dollars in less than three or four months. Thus began a decade and a half of living in what I consider to be hand to mouth conditions and working at odd minimum wage jobs. I worked as a mortician’s assistant, a shoe salesman, a waiter, a bartender, a suitcase salesman, a supermarket checker, a physical therapists assistant and eventually a high school teacher. During this time I wanted to be an artist and a writer but the problem was that I spent more time reading and hanging out than I did making actual work (even though I did make a good deal of work). At one point I was obsessed with wanting to be my generations greatest writer and painter but now I think it is fair to state that I was very misguided, confused and often intoxicated.

Interviewer: Who do you blame for putting these strange and romantic literary and artistic ideals and expectations into our head?

Randall: I mainly blame Jack Kerouac, Henry Miller and Charles Burkowski.

Interviewer: How about Franz Kafka, Rimbaud and Artaud?

Randall: Yes them also.

Interview: So is it fair to say that our life story is one of from riches to rags?

Randall: Maybe not rags but definitely used clothes and cheap food (if you do not count the nice meals we ate with my parents and the occasional and generous shopping sprees that my father would take me on). I would also add that it is a story of from riches to rags but also back again to maybe not riches but a kind of comfortability and dignity.

Interviewer: I know this is not often discussed but is it true that when you were 28 and just a few months away from finishing your master’s degree in English Literature you dropped out?

Randall: It is true. I lost interest. Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, Robert Browning, E.M. Forester and other English writers burned me out. Even though I excelled in the graduate program, when it was time for me to write my thesis I realized I did not want the degree anymore. I thought it was too pretentious for me to call myself a master of anything and as a young, idealistic man who had big dreams of worldwide literary recognition- a master’s degree seemed futile and too conventional.  So I just stopped working on my thesis and went on with my life.

Interviewer: Do you regret not finishing?

Randall: I do. I suppose that is the main reason why I went back to graduate school much later in life to get my masters degree in Psychology. I no longer consider myself to be much of an idealist and my dreams of worldwide literary recognition have faded away thus allowing me the room within which to pursue other things.

Interviewer: More normal, real world things?

Randall: I suppose so.

[The dog has finished her raw hide and is now pacing around on the deck. Randall seems to be a bit distracted by the dog]

Randall: I just do not understand why she cannot sit down and relax. I love our dog but she paces and paces around all day long. It drives me nuts.

Interviewer: You understand that she is not even a year old yet right?

Randall: I do but still it drives me nuts.

Interviewer: Why?

Randall: I don’t know.

Interviewer: Is it fair to say that you are a person who spends a lot of his time in a relaxed state, that you have figured out the art of relaxation and when others cannot relax it annoys you?

Randall: Are you suggesting that I get annoyed with others, dogs and humans, when they are not more like me?

Interviewer: I guess that is what I am getting at. If other people do not behave as you would want them to behave, or even behave like you behave then you are annoyed with them. They drive you nuts?

Randall: I am sure there is some truth to that. What you are suggesting is that I am not a tolerant person.

Interviewer: No, I think you are a very tolerant person- just a bit intolerant towards behavior that is different from your own.

Randall: Hmmmm. Well I would like to think that this is not true but I suppose that there is some truth to it.

Interviewer: Have you had people in your life who have not been tolerant of your behavior? Who have gotten annoyed or angry at you because you have behaved differently than they wanted you to behave?

Randall: I have.

Interview: Well maybe that is where you have learned not to not be tolerant of other people’s behavior that is different from your own.

Randall: You are probably right. Did you come here to interview me or to psychoanalyze me?

Interviewer: I am sorry. I suppose that I am just interested in the kind of person that we are.

Randall: I think that to find out “who we are” is biting off much too much of a subject matter for this short interview.

Interviewer: I suppose you are correct. Lets move on. I know that recently you moved to LA, moved into a new home, got married and began your internship working as a therapist in private practice. How do you feel about all of these big life transitions?

Randall: Well to be honest I am someone who has struggled for a long time. I have had a few really difficult relationships in my life, had serious financial concerns and have suffered from a chronic anxiety condition. For the first time in as long as I can remember, maybe even the first time in my life I can actually say with a firm conviction that my life is blessed. Things are really, really good. My relationships all feel healthy, my marriage is remarkable in every way and moving to LA feels like what it must feel like for someone who has been in jail for 41 years to finally get released. As you know, I moved from the area in which we grew up. I really did not think I was ever going to get out.

Interviewer: Well that is great. I am really happy for us that things are going so well.

Randall: They are and I am happy for us to. I am aware that the flip side of the coin is always there. Things can go horribly wrong horribly at any moment. This is why I am enjoying my life right now, drinking it in so to speak since for most of my life I feel like I was on the other side of the coin. I imagine that one of the greatest feelings in life is to end up in a place that you always wanted to be, but never imagined was possible. I’m enjoying this feeling at the moment.

Interviewer: How is our health holding up?

Randall: Well I must say that it is better than it has been in a long time. Years of struggle and anxiety have certainly weakened me but my Zen meditation practice and the love and support that I receive from my wife has without a doubt saved my life. She waters me with so much love that my roots have become stronger. My anxiety and worry is much less than it has ever been and all in all I feel good. I still struggle with breathing difficulties, restless leg syndrome and occasional obsessive frightening thoughts but things are not nearly as bad as when I lived up north.

Interviewer: I agree with you. I have noticed this as well. I think our wife is some kind of divine intervention. A miracle.

Randall: True. I am grateful for her existence in our life. Where would we be without her?

Interviewer: In a very different place. Probably still anxious and stuck up north.

Randall: Yeah.

Interviewer: Well I suppose that it is probably time for us to wrap up this interview. We need to take a shower, get dressed and get on with our day. I have a few final question for you before I go.

Randall: Ask away.

Interviewer: Do you have any big projects in the works? Anything that you are working on for the future?

Randall: You know for so many years I worked on things for the sake of bettering my future. I painted and wrote with future hopes, dreams and expectations in mind. Day after day I worried about how I was going to survive economically and what I was going to do with my life. It was torture. Now I am at a place in my life where I am really taking it one day at a time. I am not as driven to be a successful writer and/or painter as I was two or three years ago. I am now just taking it one day at a time. Today I want to read, work in my garden and go for a walk with my dog. Tomorrow I may decide to write an essay, work on a novel or make a painting. Or maybe not. I am no longer as tortured by the expectations of others and my own expectations. I don’t worry about what I am going to do with my life because I am doing my life right now.

Interviewer: Are you still as worried about money as you once were?

Randall: Maybe a bit but not as much. I may run out of money tomorrow. Ten years ago I would have had tremendous anxiety about this. Now I try to budget my money the best I can and leave the rest up to fate. I am doing my part to create a situation for myself where I have the potential to make a good income. I am just not worrying about the future as much as I used to because I am much more in the moment of my life and for the first time in a long time- I feel that it is the place I deserve to be.

Interviewer: Do you still suffer from feeling like a failure, as you once did?

Randall: Not so much. It is really interesting to me how life evolves, how we change as human beings. Sure I wish that today I was an accomplished writer and artists who was able to pay his bills and be economically comfortable as a result of his art. But I no longer feel like a failure because I have not attained this status. Sometimes when I watch a musician or artist being interviewed I get jealous. I feel envious that they have been able to create a life for themselves, which is a result of doing their art. Just the other day I was watching an interview with my generation’s most successful writer and I felt envious. It must be nice owning a home and eating food that you earned from doing your art. But this is not how my life has worked out and I think I am in the process of making peace with this. It is a tough one though.

Interviewer: Do you still think about writing and making art as much as you used to?

Randall: I thought you said that you only had a few more questions?

Interviewer: I did but as you know we can be very impulsive and when things come up in our mind we usually have to go with it.

Randall: This is true. Yes I think about art and painting all the time. If ideas for stories and paintings were dollar bills I would be a very rich man. Fortunately I have no shortage of ideas. I suppose what I lack most is the motivation to turn these ideas into things. Most days I would rather hang out with my wife, work in the garden, play with my dog, meditate and/or read a book.

Interviewer: I think you give yourself a tough time. You have created a lot of great things and it is ok that you may not be as motivated to make art or write at the moment. You may become motivated again at some point but now is your time to enjoy things as they are in your life and cultivate your next chapter. I actually much prefer your life now to when you were continually worried about what you were going to do with your life.

Randall: I like how you think.

Interviewer: Thank you Randall. I like how you think also.

Randall: Well I suppose we should put away the pen and paper and go get dressed now.

Interviewer: Sounds good.

Man Of Miracles

I’m a mess. This morning I awake with my left foot swollen to three times its size and my wife crying in the bathroom. Our electricity is going to be shut off in three days because of unpaid bills and our cat is suffering from fierce scrape wounds to the nose and head. Last night at dinner my wife and I spent two hundred dollars because we drank and ate so much so that we could forget about all the difficulties present in our life. It was fun but now we are both hung over and broke. My house is cold and my job is starting to give me chest pains. If only I could jump into a hole and bury my head. I am a mess,

…..my father sent me an article today about debt. I have more debt than a mountain has weeds. Sending me an article on debt is like sending a cat and article on language. A cat has no words to speak and I have no cash to pay off my debts. I wrote him back a letter telling him that if he wants to help me with my debt, send cash, otherwise let me be. My car has two big dents in it and every time you push on the brakes there is a sound of metal. My wife is frustrated with me for the large amounts of stress my way of life brings to her. If I was only able to find a way to have balance and be happy, she keeps telling me. The roof of our home allows rain water to fall on the floor and currently some workers are banging away beneath my desk trying to fix an broken floor beam. I feel as if inside of me there is a boiling pressure cooker than at any moment could pop. I am a mess,

…I have rent due and not nearly enough money to pay it. My refrigerator is filled with aging food and my liver is aching from all the booze I have been consuming. Panic attacks have been a daily occurrence and usually before bed at night I think about death. I am filled with unmanifested dreams and am always feeling like nothing is good enough. My wife cries in the bathroom all through out the day and the only solid pleasure I seem to be able to find is masturbating to porn on the internet. My chest is always tight, my mother is always concerned about my well being and I am three years away from being 40. I am a mess,

…I nap a lot ion the afternoons and have a hard time climbing out from bed. I do not remember my dreams and I often eat burnt toast for breakfast with a boiled egg. I am addicted to email and have been writing people that I do not even know for help. Yesterday, while driving across the bay bridge I had a terrible panic attack which made me feel like death was sitting upon my shoulder. I tried to jump out from the moving vehicle, but once again my wife saved my life. I have experienced very little success already I have been afflicted with two chronic diseases, one which could be fatal. My wife and I seem to fight constantly and I can not stop looking at other women because it is another form of fleeting pleasure for me. I spend all my money on books (that I never read) and food and often dream about prostitutes and flying through the sky. The mattress I sleep upon is old and almost undone and my bedroom collects dust like a garbage can collects trash. I am a mess,

….my sister is an alcoholic who thinks that Arabs are going to take over the country. All around me are signs of affluence but I struggle for every dollar I earn. I am underpaid and overworked and like all lower income people I am taken advantage of time and time again. I am tired of it all and seek out a solution. I think about suicide, killing sprees and self mutilation but none of these answers would I be capable of performing. All day I have been looking for another job, but there is nothing I am interested in doing. My back hurts from writing out my soul so much and I am suffering from chronic diarrhea and palpitations because of my nereves. All I want to do is eat and drink to forget about the pain. I go from meal to meal as if I trying to erase the desperation that I feel in between. There are wars being waged, poverty all around, starvation and injustice walking through the air and I am a mess. Such a big mess that I have no clue as to how to clean it up,

….I have thought about buying guns, mops, towels, and blankets all to clean up the mess that I am. I have thought out self help solutions and consulted with great gurus. I have prayed, meditated and walked on pilgrimages for miles a day. I am out of shape, winded when I walk up stairs, afraid to ride my bike because of various cardiac issues and wondering around my home like a zombie who has been beaten by the struggles of the world. If this was not enough I see ghosts, spirits and can look deep into peoples souls. I know what you are thinking before you think it and I am aware of the truth. I can see through time and I know what the future will bring and so I try to preoccupy myself with various forms of pleasure and sleep so I do not have to think about it. In one more day I will be done, done with this way of living. I will change and do what I have to so that I am not all messed up. I will use a broom or mop and clean myself up so that you will see all that I can be. I will get a haircut and seek out the help of psychologists and chiropractors. I will brush my teeth put on my best face and find a decent job. I will stop complaining about my situation and accept all of this as the way life is. I will stop envying the sucess of Brad Pitt or Johny Depp and try to enjoy my job as a Teacher, my bank account with a small balance and my freezing cold home. I will think positively and learn to identify my good feelings from my bad ones,

….in one more day I will become a man of miracles…. but today just let me be a mess.

The Impatient Taoist

 I have decided to sleep away the rest of the day. All morning I was searching for the way, the path, the Tao. I was told to look for it in sound, smell and touch. In all these things I came up empty.I grew frustrated. I wondered around thinking about non-being and effortlessness, but found myself having to make great effort to become nothing. All I wanted was to be done with time, to relinquish the jaws of time from the hold it has upon me. I wanted to surrender myself into the greater unifying principle of space and nothingness but I had chest pain and was worried about my bank account. If I could only be fully present in the moment, which at times I am, than maybe I would see the way, the path, the Tao more clearly. Maybe I would unlearn everything that I know and become the absence that Taoists refer to as enlightenment. Over and over I repeat passages:

Do not talk about right and wrong.

Everyone should sweep the snow from  his own door

And not be concerned about the frost on another’s roof.

Over and over I tell myself, “refine the self,” but then I find myself looking up the skirts of stray women and suffering the terrible fear of death. My mind drifts as vagrantly as a piece of tissue blown by the wind. I want to uncover or unravel deeper mysteries but I also can not stop thinking about my next meal or the desire to be rich and naked and stuck in blow job orgies sipping wine. The Tao does not come easily into my mind. “Be done with mind,” certain Taoists tell me but my mind keeps me in a state of anxiety and longing and without this discomfort how would I know I was me? So I am an impatient Taoist and all my wanting and waiting has made me tired to the point that I have decided to spend the rest of the day asleep in bed. We will talk more about this later.