A naked prostitute in a tree!! This was too much. Yesterday I had seen a ghost for the first time in my life and now this! The days are just getting more interesting as I go on. What will tomorrow bring? For today was one of the stranger days in my life.
My wife and I have been fighting a lot lately. It is not a malicious fighting with raised voices, but rather a silent frustration which is expressed through various passive aggressive maneuvers. When we fight I do things like ignore her, sleep on the couch and seek out sexual deviations. This morning as soon as my wife left for work I decided to seek retribution for all the stress our clashes have cost me. I went straight to the Craig’s List Erotic adds and almost immediately happened upon an add that said “In calls In A Tree.” I was curious so I pushed on the link and saw a spicy picture of a beautiful blonde swinging from a tree branch in the nude. Her breasts were small and shapely and she had shaved off all her pubic hair. Below the picture was a caption the read Today I am doing in calls in my tree house, come on over and swing me from a branch. I am offering lunch time specials.
I could not contain myself. I had never heard of a prostitute doing in calls in a tree. I had nothing going on for the day other than a willingness to have an unusual experience. I called her number and scheduled a time for us to meet in her tree. When I asked her how to find the tree she said, “It’s easy baby, it’s the tallest redwood across the street from the Shell station on Hinterland Ave. Just park your car and you will see a sign that says pussy and an arrow pointing up. Just climb the wood blocks that are nailed to the tree.” “Okay,” I said “I will see you in an hour.”
I took a shower and dressed hurriedly. My stomach was fizzing with butterflies, all the result of my great anticipation. It always amazes me how quickly life alters its course. One moment you are experiencing joy and contentment and the next minute everything is turned upside down and you are standing in tears beside the death bed of a friend. Or in my case you are filled with anger and despair and the next moment you are as excited as a kid and filled with the most tantalizing anticipation you have ever felt. There is no such thing as security in this life. Everything is in flux, always changing. This makes human beings afraid, and so out of this fear we have created the illusory notion of security.
I stopped at the bank and withdrew $60.00 from the ATM. I could not help but notice that my balance was less than $300.00. I stopped myself from worrying about my financial future and just stayed focused upon the naked blonde waiting for me in a tree. The redwood tree was easy to find. I saw the sign that said pussy with an arrow pointing upwards. I climbed up ate least 150 wooden steps until I could hear the prostitute saying “you are almost here.” I was out of breath when I arrived to the platform which she called her home. There was a futon covered in red blankets and a green carpet all along the floor. I noticed a rack which had a bundle of clothes dangling from it and a shelf upon which was food and books. She offered me some water and asked me to have a seat. I was having a difficult time catching my breath and slowing down the rapid beating of my heart.
She was gorgeous and had a perpetual smile upon her face. She told me her name was Dawn and then asked me what I do. “I am an unemployed Blogger and Teacher,” I told her and she laughed. “What is a Blogger?,” she asked. “Someone who wastes a lot of time in front of a computer writing things for people that he or she will never meet,” I cynically replied. “So then why do you do it?” she asked. “Because I don’t have anything better to do, and besides it’s a good way to connect with strangers.” She looked at me curiously and then I decided to change the subject. “So you live in this tree?” “Only part-time,” she replied. “I come up here when I work and when I want to be alone. It is a good place to work because the police will never catch me and it’s a good place to be alone because I am above it all.” I looked around. There was a beautiful 360 degree view of the entire bay area. “I found this tree fort one day a few years back when I decide to climb this tree for fun.” “You mean you just happened upon it?” I asked. “Yes, I guess you could say that…although I think it was a gift from the gods.”
Dawn began to undress. “So you want to fuck?” she asked me. I was nervous and unsure what I wanted to do. She could detect this. “You don’t want to fuck, do you?” she said with sad gloating eyes. “No, I am a married man and can not fuck another woman, but I am wondering if I could see you in the nude and maybe get a hand job?” I said feeling ridiculous about my question. “A hand job, that is all,” she said surprised. “I am yet to meet a man who has climbed all the way up here for just a hand job.” “Well today’s a special day,” I said with a slightly twisted smile upon my awkward face.
She took off all of her clothes, and I took off all of mine. I lied back on her red blankets and felt the afternoon wind crawl around on my bare chest. Squirrels rummaged through the branches and quails sat on tree branches and watched the entire show for free. Dawn did a little erotic dance for me and then started to swing from a tree branch. She wanted me to masturbate as I watched her show, but I felt a bit awkward doing so. I was worried that the tree branch would snap and she would fall hundreds of feet to her death. She did flips and twirled around like a gymnast on that tree branch. “She kept yelling “rub your cock for me,” but I was hesitant. She then came over to where I lied naked on the futon and lay down next to me. I could feel the silk sweat on her petite body. She kissed my nipples and rubbed her long blonde hair along my bare chest. I looked up into the blue sky, and as I saw a large airplane make its way overhead I felt her warm comforting hand begin to caress my cock.
My semen sprayed all over the place. I was embarrassed and quickly dressed. I helped her to clean it up and was very apologetic. She smiled at me and maternally said, “you have not had sex in along time, have you?” “It has been awhile,” I replied as I rubbed the wet towel over the semen stains on her red blanket. “Does not your wife pleasure you,” she asked as she put on her red lace underwear and bra. “In ways that are not sexual,” I replied. “You have got to fix that baby or this may not be the right marriage for you.” I knew that what she was saying was true, but I did not want to get into it. Two squirrels chased each other quickly over a branch above my head as I handed Dawn the $60.00 that I owed her. I kissed her cheeks and thanked her for the wild experience. “I loved the way that you twirled from that branch,” I said and we both laughed. “I do that all day for exercise. Takes my mind of all the stress,” she replied. “On your way down make sure you step slowly and hold on tight to the wood spikes,” she said as I began my descent. Once I had made it down to the ground the feeling of anticipation I had earlier felt had turned into guilt. As I got into my old car I knew that it was now time to return to my real life. However, I could not deny the slight smile upon my face as I thought about Dawn- the prostitute who lived in a tree.
The End.
ABSURdISTRY. 